giving up alcohol.

post by casey.

today is pretty significant for a few reasons.

number1, being that Homer is five. And that feels like such a big deal...way bigger and involving more tears (for me;') than any of those previous birthdays. I'll get more into that when I cry over the keyboard in a few days, uploading a birthday post for our boy:(

but something else that today marks, is 1 full year of sobriety for me. Not one drop of alcohol in a full year - which I don't normally feel like is thattttt big of a deal but then when it comes up...people are pretty shocked/impressed/confused;)! 365 days. 1/2 of those being hot summer days. More than a few campfires. A wedding reception - A New Years Eve wedding reception...you guyssss;/. Awful/exhausting days with the kids. Wine Nights with the girls. Mondays...Tuesdays...Saturdays...Sunday Fun Days - ALL THE DAYS;). A concert! A 34th birthday. A beach vacation in Mexico with my husbanddddd....with a FREE Happy Hour!!!!! 
It wasn't easy...and seriously, I STILL chew my fucking finger nails. I can't.stop.chewing.them! But quitting alcohol cold turkey...done;)

without getting too deep into the complexities of my relationship with alcohol...I'll just say that I used to drink a lot, all the time. And then I got better and I didn't drink as often but when I did drink, I drank a lot. It was hard on Jacob, mostly. He dealt with my heavy drinking in our early 20's. And even though I was in a much better place when we got back together for good...I still had a little ways to go:)
And my apologies to my friends for the awful friend I must have been during those early days and also, you're welcome for some prettyyyyyy amazing dirt to hold over my head...foreverrrrrr. In all seriousness...I made some awful decisions and am so glad I didn't hurt anyone or myself back in those days:/.

it seems kinda ridiculous when I read back through this or say 'sober' or 'sobriety'. I wouldn't have classified myself as an Alcoholic - cause if I'm an alcoholic...well, then...most of WI would fall into that category, unfortunately. I think mostly, I used it to cope and I never got to enjoy those few good thing(s) about alcohol. YES, I do believe it's not all bad!:) But I think for me...I kinda ruined my chance to just enjoy 'a few'. 

i'll mostly miss having a drink with Jacob around the fire after we put the kids to bed. Or sharing a Long Island Ice Tea at Buffalo Wild Wings. Or a beer in the back yard at Pigg's after picking up sticks all afternoon. Or margaritas on a hot summer day, with my sisters, while the kids play on the slip n' slide. Or that glass of wine in the tub after a long.ass.day.

and thinking about all those future drinks I'll be passing up. All those future vacations that we'll take that won't include a beer around the campfire, after the kids are tucked into the RV for the night and we're staring at the stars in Yellowstone:) Or sharing a bottle of wine on the grass beneath the Eiffel Tower for our 10YR anniversary getaway - also, just got lost on that site for a good 20MIN and then Expedia to check flight prices to Paris...currently: over $1K...gahhhh;). 

i never miss it socially...at the bar or in large groups. I honestly, don't even miss it on Wine Nights with the girls - they're company is more than enough:). I never miss it outside those quiet times, mostly with Jacob:)

the day I told Jacob - May 8th, 2016 - that I was thinking I might stop drinking...and I wasn't sure what that looked like going forward...but that I thought, for me, I needed to stop...for a substantial amount of time...Jacob looked at me and said: "That makes me so happy, I could cry." - he was serious:( I'm the most thankful that he's always been able to express how he feels about things and that he did in that moment because honestly, had he not said that or reacted that way...I'm not sure I would have wanted to commit as seriously as I have/do. 

*and I should mention that he quit as well. A show of support, I suppose:) I didn't ask him to do that and it wasn't at all necessary, Jacob's never been much of a drinker but I'm happy to be doing this together:) - he did have one drink, unknowingly, when our nephew filled his coffee cup with Kessler...jokester;).

it's gotten easier and going forward...I imagine it coming up in conversation and my response being that I haven't drank in 2YRS...5YRS...and so on. But Jacob and I have agreed that we'd take things as they come and for now, I don't drink...but maybe a trip to Paris would be enough to pull me out of my drinking 'retirement'...at least for an afternoon glass of wine:)

those faces up there, though...I mean...alcohol was such a distraction for me and most people don't leave the house worrying about how much they'll drink or not drinking too much or feeling stressed about doing something stupid...I didn't feel like that was normal. It's helped to clear my head:)

so I stopped drinking alcohol, cold turkey, a year ago. I haven't had a drop since. I'm really glad I did that:)


now if you made it through all that...you deserve a drink;)