believe me...what you're about to read is not a total reflection of who I am...or maybe it's more of a reflection of who I am than you've ever seen!?;).
also. If you are offended by vulgar language...this post is not for you.
also. If you are offended by a mom bitching about her kids...whom she deeply loves but whom she needs to bitch about...this post is not for you.
also. I was not kidding about the language...shit is gonna get real...this post may not be for you;).
alternate title: DON'T BOTHER.
you know what you shouldn't do: you shouldn't bother trying to take a nap. If you have just one child...you still think you're gonna do all.the.things. And you do, for a while. While your ONE baby, with no vocabulary - no smart ass mouth flapping back at you - lays around sleeping most of their life away, with no mobility - no smart ass legs, running away from you when you threaten a time out. You're still folding laundry and not feelingggggg tired. You're doing the dishes and paying the bills on time and planning vacations cause it's not stupid hard with one.
well, I'm here to tell you that you're fucking up...one passed up nap at a time.
cause now...a few or 4 kids later...don't fucking bother.
hi, I nurse a baby and that's obvious by the way that my breast milk leaked through my shirt.
man, ask me tomorrow and I'll be back to my old self. Thinking I can do it ALL with 4 kids. But right now?! I've been trying to nap for 2hrs. you can be annoyed at this. I certainly am. Probably for different reasons. Maybe you're not a napper - well, aren't you the best. Aren't you so fuckinggggg bestttttt;).
I nap. I nap like once a month when the stars and children align.
but todays non-nap has me thinking about all.the.god.damn.things they're ruining...besides naps.
me trying to get anything done with a 2YR old.
don't bother taking a walk with your BFF (hey, Gerd...if you're reading this...I miss you!!!;). She lives 3miles away from me but it may as well be a lifetime.
One of the kids WILL cry the entire walk. The one strapped in the stroller who doesn't want to be strapped in the stroller or the one riding the bike who has wiped out twice. Take your pick. Maybe both.
Probably fucking both.
Loud enough to make a conversation really frustrating. Loud enough that you'll have to make that face at other people that you pass by on the street. The face that says: yeah...what are ya gonna do:). Shitty kids...ha...life...love um. Mean it.
don't bother painting your walls white. Or any color besides a color that doesn't show permanent marker or puke or drool or sticky hands...I'll just stop there cause there's so.much.more.
Paint your walls with a black permanent marker. And by paint, I mean just find a black permanent marker - one should show up out of thin air, like they do for the kiddos;) - and then scribble on the wall for what LOOKS like 30MIN but was actually the 3MIN and 47SEC it took mom to take a dump while another kid stood next to her and asked for another glass of milk cause I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING. JUST TAKING A DUMP. WHICH QUALIFIES AS NOT BEING BUSY. AT.ALL.
don't bother starting. Anything. You will never, NEVER start and then proceed to finish anything in the same sitting. Ever.Again.
Interruptions are the name of this mind-fucking game. Wanna fill a frame and hang it on the wall?! We're looking at 2WKS (that's generous;)...and that's probably with your husband assisting you in finding a hammer and nail AND hanging it. You'll fill the frame 2MO after getting the print in the mail...all while the baby screams.
did you just kindaaaaa feel hungry?! Que the screaming baby.
Have you just sat everyone down at the table and kinda had a hold of lunch for the first time in a week and there's actually more than JUST Mac&Chs on their plates - you went the extra mile and slopped some applesauce on there and opened and warmed up a can of corn?! Cause if they're all seated and you just sat on a stool in the quiet kitchen with the little bit that was left...I guaran-fucking-T they'll be looking for seconds...and thirds...for the first time in 4 days. Be prepared to give up your own. OR someone will spill their milk.
You can eat between 1010PM and 1123PM. That's it. That's your window.
ALSO. Why haven't I lost all the baby weight yet?! I haven't ate since I left the hotel (I mean, hospital;). I'm literally ALWAYS.STARVING.
that project that took you 30MIN to set-up so that you could have 7MIN of peace will now cost you 20MIN clean-up and a bath.
don't even THINK about getting out of the house in less than 30MIN. Even that's laughable. Cause if you wanna do it in less or HAVE to do it in less...they WILL hate their socks and pants and shirt - anything you prepared the night before. They WILL loath their shoes and jacket and refuse to keep their hat on...you know why?! No. You'll NEVER know why. Because even they don't know.
Oh, except for my 5YR old...he refused his jacket the other day because it had hair on it. Perfectly rational.
If in the off chance you do get out of the house in a reasonable time (22-ish MIN;)...we'll arrive at our destination and my 2YR old will have removed his socks and shoes and hat and thrown them into the places in the van that swallow up socks. HOW are they gone?!?!?? WHERE did they go?? That time you saved getting out of the house...well, now you're spending it standing 1/2 way in and out of a van (in sub-zero WI weather) putting socks and shoes back on a toddler...just so you can walk 10ft to the house (ha, Target;) without someone commenting: "you should really put a hat on that little guy!".
THANK YOU! THANK.YOU!!! HOW ABOUT WE RUN INTO EACH OTHER IN THIS TARGET PARKING LOT NEXT WEEK AND YOU LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT MY KID HAVING A STOCKING CAP DUCT TAPED TO HIS FUCKING HEAD. MMMMMMKKKKKKKKKK??!?!?!
and don't bother having conversations with your spouse with the kids around. Just make a list of your hopes and dreams and leave it taped to the screen of his gaming computer. Cause by the time the kids are in bed and you love them again...you're wiped out. You're donezo. And if you have a newborn...well, you've got a long night of NOT SLEEPING ahead of you - and NO NAP TO LOOK FORWARD TO!!!!.
The last thing I can do is hold a conversation...I certainly have the stamina to ugly cry....but absolutely no energy for the sexy or the talkie.
folks, I had to describe a bagel to my 15YR old niece today. I described it because I couldn't think of the word for a round piece of bread with a hole in the middle that you put fucking 'sauce' on. Yeah. Shockingly, she was able to guess correctly that I was talking about a bagel. I mean, can you imagine my Grocery List?!:
- round bread for sauce spreading: bagel
- bread with cheese for dipping in soup: grilled cheese and tomato soup
- apples: try not to eat the sticker but really, who gives a shit anymore
- new thing of caramel dip for said apples because the kids got up before me the other morning and ate it...without apples but with their fingers. The same fingers that walk up to me with shit - FECES - on them. The same fingers that pick their own noses. The same fingers that are legit so disgusting that I can't even actually imagineeeeeeee.
- Ben&Jerry's Karamel Sutra ice cream: cause I will NEVER forget that good shit;).
you guyssssssss. I love them and this is coming from a place of love. And I'm mostly joking. Mostly;).
And I do really believe you can do it all. Cause here I am...marker on the wall, no food in the fridge, no sleep in sight but 4 healthy, yet sometimes incredibly intolerable kids and a husband I love to tears and endless kid hugs and noses being wiped on my thigh and shoulder...and we leave the house sometimes and sometimes it's not the worst!!!! Especially, when you go into it expecting the worst;).
BUT this mess is all mine. And it's almost amazing how when you have the most terrible day...you still end it thinking of that UNO game that didn't end in tears and that snuggle after their nap and the time you burst out laughing at a story they told that made no sense but was somehow the cutest thing you'd ever seen or heard!!!! - all this AFTER you cry a bit about how you're the worst mom ever and a complete failure and they're gonna turn out to all be murderers, of course;).
good fucking gawd. I want more of them. And if I spoke those words aloud to my husband right now...I'd have a pile of puke to clean up off the living room floor;).
I haven't slept for more than 2HR increments in over a month. I think. Maybe longer - than a month?! Maybe shorter - than 2HR increments?!;). But it's okay...it's gonna be okay...tell me it's gonna be okay...hold me?!;)
okay...best get going...I can hear my husband 'whisper-screaming' at the kids. He's so sweet to try to keep it down while I do this blog post and eat a few noodles.