post by casey.
so a lot of days I feel like I should be doing more. I'd like to do more...as far as being more productive with my time, being more present with the kids, wanting less, spending more time outside, really taking advantage of our days while I get to sort of do as I please with our time, etc. BUT I've also struggled a lot with feeling like I should WANT to go back to work. I should WANT a career. I should want something more for my days than staying home with the kids.
i had a 'break-through' of sorts after talking to my best girl, Gerdie:) and listening to Dax Shepard's Podcast - The Armchair Expert, Seth Green Episode. Love his Podcast!!!
from those two conversations it kinda hit me that I am fulfilled.
Being a wife to Jacob has given me the most self confidence I've ever known. Being a mom and staying home has made me feel more fulfilled than anything I've ever done or hoped to do.
maybe not wanting 'more' than what you have right now feels like a weird place to be and that's not to say that my feelings on that won't evolve and I won't find myself back to work in a more traditional sense, someday. BUT it seems like a weight lifted to finally not feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I need to keep looking.
how I look hardly ever.
how i look mostly always.
now, this is where I'm at. This is most likely not where you're at. And that's good! That's okay! What I hope for you, whether you're a stay-at-home-mom or a work-from-home-mom or a full-time-working-mom or an i-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-doing-mom;) or if you don't have kids at all...this is more of a LIFE feeling...my hope is that you're fulfilled. That what you're doing, whatever that is, brings you joy and contentment. Is there anything worse than wishing you were doing something other than what you are at the moment?
can I also admit that I woke up after a long night of NOT sleeping with a coughing baby. I was vomited on and cried on and my 4yr old joined me at 1AM. And I, luckily, insisted that Jacob sleep on the couch so that he could get sleep (I know they say not to keep score but you bet your ASS I'll be getting pay back for the last few nights;)...not surprisingly, I woke up in a foul mood. My husband sensed this...or maybe me saying: "hey, thanks for leaving the house a complete fucking disaster for me babe. Have a GREAT day!!!!" made it obvious that I wasn't feeling JOY this morning;).
every day isn't going to be the picture of joy and rainbows and house-trained puppies;). Even at 35yrs old and finally knowing and accepting that I'm RIGHT where I should be....some days...I can't do the dishes one.more.god.damn.time. I don't WANT to get the kids milk. I don't WANT to change another diaper. Some days I think it might kill me if I have to. I would like to think that with any job, ideal or not...you're going to have some not so great days.
but this morning, I quietly cleaned and made my way to the dishes and washed my face and poured a cup of coffee and the sun shined for a bit and did the things that I need to do...it's not always easy. And there is no big plan today. No exciting adventure. But as I sit here, I'm overwhelmed with happiness - I'm also hearing the kids tear apart the DVDs and slide them across the floor...WHYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!;).
i hope you're happy today:).