Outer Order, Inner Calm.

I think I shared something recently about not being able to have it all - my version of ‘all’ - at least not at the same time? 

I’ve often had conversations with one of my sisters about wanting all the little babies…while I’m ‘young’, with money, out in the garden, homeschooling and traveling, living in a ‘done’ house, sleeping 8hrs a night, doing yoga + running, reading every day, Jacob working part-time, me having a little business, a minimalist lifestyle, making my own bread, canning my own food, styling my hair, planting lavender, growing an orchard, feeding the alpaca/donkeys/chickens/pony/ETC;),…oh, I’m also debt-free, know how to play guitar, and driving a very nice suburban;).

Stupid-long point - if any;) - is that I don’t think any of that is completely out of my grasp. I might, possibly, believe we can have it all…to some degree…if we’re willing to see it from all angles. That I want order + calm but it might not show up when and how I’d like it to:).

Getting my driveway walk in before 10AM:).

Alternate Post Title: Perspective;).

Alternate Post Title: She Still Doesn’t Realize God’s Got This;)

The same cousin who sent me the outer order, inner calm phrase is the one I mentioned feeling like meditation and prayer felt similar to me. Maybe we do have it all - maybe it’s all the same?! - at the same time. Maybe, sometimes, we just don’t see/realize it?

Did I just say that?:|

In different seasons, the things we ‘want’ may just look a little different (replace all We and Ours with ME;). 

Two years ago, moving my body looked like a summer of running and a 5k race! Last year moving my body looked like evening walks with the whole family down the trails Jacob had created around our property. In this season, it’s walking the driveway, back and forth, with 6 kids trailing behind:). In another 30yrs I hope it’s water aerobics at the Florida Campground Jacob and I are spending the winter at between traveling to see our kids in their various locations:).

- speaking of chaos…this mindless-ish chatter is making me dizzy but cheers to you if you’re still following;).

Maybe today I didn’t get down on my knees and pray but I sent one up on the drive in for school pick-up. Maybe I didn’t workout but I chased down the dog for the glove he took off Maes hand. Maybe I didn’t find the joy in the mundane tasks of dishes and laundry and bills - maybe I didn’t do them at all - but I listed some things online and filled a bag for Goodwill. 

Maybe it’s grace I need…I bet I’ve already been receiving it but I’m being too big of a butthead to acknowledge it. Maybe it’s all alright.

Yesterday it was all hard. Overwhelming. Seemingly, impossible to see through all the perceived chaos, to the calm that I envision. I couldn’t bring myself to do the dishes even one more time. I was frustrated that it took so long to get the kids ready to go outside just to take a deep breath! I was mad at the mess, the chicken shit on the front porch, the dust the hair…the undone-ness of this home that I’d only prayed to have 3yrs ago.

This isn’t me announcing that I’m never going to feel sorry for myself again;|. 

*NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT;)*

Maybe I make it hard for myself - in fact, I know I do:| - and I get stuck wanting my ‘wants’ to look a certain way and to show up at a certain time…but as the seasons have changed and wizzed by and I look back…it seems I’ve always had and gotten what I wanted…and then some.

Today is a good day and I’d like to believe this day, days like this…they are me. The real me. The one I want to be. The one I’m trying to become. 

“On days like this, He just wants you to trust Him. He just wants you to know everything will happen when it is supposed to. And not only in regard to physical things, but all the more valuably, the rich and absolutely necessary spiritual growth your soul so desperately craves. On days like this, Trust Him. Let Him give you wellness for your soul. Find peace while you are growing for even here, He’s in control.”

- Morgan Harper Nichols

 

Randoms.

I was going to open with:

Life has been so busy!!!

But truly…it hasn’t. Mae’s been busy. So.dang.busy. Like, she never stops. “NEVVVVERRRR!” - that’s actually what she yells anytime we tell her not to do what she’s doing:|.

I just had to clean up a mess of applesauce she made. 

Get her unstuck from Evans walker. 

My ass just got wet from sitting on the toilet seat after she…peed? played in?…the toilet. 

She managed to open and drink half a bubbler. 

She bit into and swallowed/choked (only slightly but choking is my absolute worst nightmare) on a squishy ball - I was still shaking a half hour later:(. 

She’s naked all the time - potty training 101;). 

She doesn’t want her bottom buckled in her car seat and fights you to get it done. 

She wants my water. My food. My snack. My bed. My boobs;).

So yeah…life has been pretty chill, otherwise;).

^Pause to acknowledge every dinosaur, on every one of the 117 pages of the book Zeke is leafing through;).

“Casey, LOOK!” x 117.^

Sooooo, what I was saying…haven’t been busy, not currently too busy but about to get somewhat busy-ish;).

We’re kicking it off with my dads birthday at the end of the week, as well as the kids’ rescheduled Christmas Concert! After that…dentist appointments, Homer is starting piano lessons!!:), a few more basketball games, Happy Hoops (basketball for Rocky:), a school dance, panacake breakfast, Jacob and I will be taking an NFP class, a Free Throw Contest for Homer, and ending the month with Luke’s 15th birthday (omg…I’m having a hard time with that…how?). 

And THEN no birthdays in February, for our immediate clan…the calm before the 4 birthdays we’ll be celebrating in March - including my 40th!!!:).

Phew.

There you have it.

Now…gotta go get Mae and Zeke away from the humidifier that they’re currently…licking:|.

Chokecherry all lite up at night:)

I actually requested my mom get me a subscription for a food magazine this year - after having a house renovation one the last few years. As much as I love all that inspiration - see below:), I’m trying to scale back a bit on my ‘wants’ here. Don’t get me wrong…I’m still coming up with a To Do/Wish List daily…I just don’t need any help in this department!

House and Garden

I didn’t do a great job of showing off the shelving with the plants in that bathroom BUT the shelving with the plants in that bathroom!!!!

I snapped a quick photo of our bathroom - below - to show you how I could potentially make that plant shelf a reality. That rectangle isn’t actually a window - there’s no hole beyond that. My dad just put that plywood there so that we could get the drywalling done. SO me moving that window down would only be slightly annoying;).

Down and bigger - my bad;).

Light and Dwell

And then I’d add a little curtain - because, eventually, there will be a deck outside that window:).

Found via Pinterest

Pinterest Rabbit Hole + Me = an hour of unsupervised children.

Okay…I just gotta break this down a bit cause I love so much about all 4 of these:

Top Left That’s kinda, exactly, what I’d like to see for our stair railing - black with a nice mix of traditional + modern. Add a gallery wall all the way up and we’re golden:).

Top Right This is just…adorable…perfection!!! Right this minute, the front porch is a top priority for me in the Spring. Close it up a bit (to keep those chickens out and to create more of an entry before walking straight into the living-room) anddddd I love that Dutch Door. Obviously.

Bottom Left Not sure how easy it is to see but those are blue cabinets and they’re so cute! If I were forced to make a decision today on cabinets…they'd be painted! I do think to keep things light and airy in our kitchen, I’d go with white counters but I just love this look!

Bottom Right We’ve already got a plant shelf…why not a shelf around the tub;). This is just so pretty. There will be plants and there will be art in my our bathroom.

This little hammmmm. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU!

Also. On month 2+ of her 4mo sleep regression. Help. Help me. My face. My patience. It’s fine;). 

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

via Instagram

This is her current closet. This is, honest to goodness, my dream for my closet. It is so silly that I’m struggling to downsize. Like…why?! What needs to be undone in my brain to let go of all.the.things?

I really want this and I’m going to make it happen.

Dinner:).

Live Your Truth and Other Lies

Finished my first book of 2023 (I did start it in 2022 but I’m counting it:). This was for a book club I’m a part of with The Boom Clap Community!

We’ve got an issue with the Play Room…buttttt we’ve got a plan. Before and Afters coming…eventually:).

Happy Wednesday, friends:).

Baby Fashion and a Fake New Year.

I couldn’t help myself…I grabbed these little outfits for the girls right before the New Year - just under the wire cause you knowww one of my Resolutions is to stick to a veryyyyy strict budget this year…isn’t it always:). But $7.99/each! Heck of a deal for this much adorableness! 

TJMaxx

Mal claimed Mae’s looked like an old couch…Mae said “my gah-ma has this!” Ha! And I’m still trying to work out what Evans style is…this isn’t it…but it was still very very cute:). - it was the pants with the feet for me! Gosh does that make life easier!

Do you make New Years Resolutions? 

I do make a few resolutions and those resolutions have definitely been simplified/refined over the years. After a lot of…failure and overwhelm…a girl learns to scale back:).

I ran across an interesting take on the New Year…or what some refer to as The Fake New Year…and it made some sense to me. The New Year, for a lot of people, just happens to land during the coldest/darkest time of the year. A time/season when we might be more naturally inclined to hunker down, rest, be still, reflect…we’re told to make lofty GOALS. Start fresh! Begin anew! Work-out;)!

*Did you see that the Christmas section is now the big ol’ work-out section at your local Target?…and is anyones gym NOT offering a low sign-up fee for you on January1? 

There is absolutely nothing wrong with setting intentions any time of the year but is it possible January might be a less than ideal time…leading to that, aforementioned: FAILURE AND OVERWHELM?! 

The information I read suggested that Spring makes more sense as a New Year. 

“Spring is the time of renewal; most animals birth then, flowers and crops bloom or get planted for the season, the sun re-emerges, animals come out of hibernation, etc.”

Up until 1752 we recognized a 13month calendar, with the New Year beginning in March…

Interesting Info. can be found HERE.

Okay, okayyyyy. It’s just INTERESTING. I realize this is NOT what you signed up for when I eased into this with tales of cheap, yet adorable, baby fashion;). BUT this is what happens when I find myself in a bit of a rabbit hole + some absent-minded staring out of the window from my bed with a sleeping baby on my chest for 1-1/2hrs:).

Do with it what you will;):).

Borderline-Too-Many-Caps brought to you by Coffee-After-1PM:| ;).

So this could be a long-winded way of me trying to let myself off the hook with the resolution-failing-situation…OR…orrrrrr…or just maybe it makes a bit of sense. And mayyyybe I’ve been a bit too hard on myself.

I love the feeling behind the New Year. It’s emotional to look back on the past year and how much has changed…or maybe hasn’t changed. How fast or slow it all went. What I’ll miss about it, what I’m happy to be leaving behind, and what I’m looking forward to. I usually always go into the New Year with a renewed sense of hope…but that is often fleeting. 

After learning a bit about the history/origin of the New Year, I found myself feeling like I really aligned with the idea of rest during these dark/colder months and renewal when the season changes to growth/warmth:).

perfect timing, Code:)

Happy {Fake} New Year, friends:).

Christmas Break Life.

Well, we managed to go just over 6months without a TV (we don’t have a computer or iPads/etc either) and thennnnn Christmas Break;). 

Aunt Pigg was generous enough to lend us a small TV, DVD player, and a stack of DVDs (ours are still packed away somewhere). Between meals, sledding outside, and turns at Sorry…it’s been Jumanji, Men in Black III, and the Croods. Non.Stop;).

The plan is to pack it all up on Saturday night and get back to the dark ages over here come Sunday morning:).

So, here’s life lately:).

Baby Evan smiles giving me life:).

Fitting.

Storage is a top priority going into the New Year - creating storage on a tight budget. The Playroom is a disaster - I mean…the whole dang house is:/. Toys, games, books, crayons/markers…everywhereeeee. Games like Sorry don’t last very long around here when they don’t have a designated spot to be ‘put away’.

Little reminders….

That I’m doing something right. 

That I want to do better. 

That I can do better.

That they deserve better. 

That I love them. 

That I am loved.

Ran out of my natural deodorant…again. Seems like I go through it too fast. Seems so dang expensive. Doesn’t actually seem to do the trick. SO gonna try a little DIY and hope for the best:).

I continue to exercise a lot of self control in staying, mostly, offline. It’s - OBVIOUSLY - freed up a lot of time for other things. I may even end up finishing a 16th book before the New Year! But I’ve also been trying to watch a few old movies that I’ve never seen!

Breakfast At Tiffany’s…the notes I took after watching it:

watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s. Neither loved it or disliked it. Glad that I can say I watched it but also didn’t strike a cord with me. But, also…didn’t find myself struggling to get through it.

#727

Reading and Jumanji - for the 1000000th time;).

Christmas Together

Happy Day After Christmas!!!:)

I’m settling in for a week-long break with the kids and I’m really looking forward to it! The To Do List is short and I’m sure the days will get longggg but the weather is looking SO good (mid/high 30’s all week and after the very negative and windy temps we’ve been dealing with, 30 will be toasty!!;) being outside and for that, we’re thankful!!!:)

I’ll keep this short because we’re gonna load up and head to Courts for coffee + French Toast. Lots of kids. Lots of sisters;). Lots of chaos, per usual:). 

Someone, kindly, pointed out to me recently how lucky we all are to be so close and although, it’s never lost on me that we are SO dang blessed…I think I do often forget that this might not be the norm. Family is going to look different for everyone but I hope more than anything, that you’ve created and surrounded yourself with the very best and you feel very loved.

Having somewhere to go is Home. Having someone to love is Family. And having both is a Blessing.

Below is a song I replayed over and over this season. A new favorite. 

Merry Christmas, friends:).

 "What I'm Thankful For (The Thanksgiving Song)"

(with Trisha Yearwood)

(feat. James Taylor)

LISTEN HERE

What I'm thankful for ain't on no list
For it only in my heart exists
For time has helped me understand
The things I can't hold in my hand

For those that came before my turn
Oh, from whom I've gathered lessons learned
That light the path that lies ahead
I see them as I bow my head

Yes, I'm thankful for the Lord above
The gift of His unending love
The promise kept that there is something more
These are the things I'm thankful for

For our children hear this prayer
Let love surround them everywhere
And may their children's children know
The one from whom all blessings flow

Yes, I'm thankful for the Lord above
The gift of His unending love
The promise kept that there is something more
These are the things I'm thankful for

And amidst these gifts and presents
We receive this holiday
May we take a thoughtful second
Just to fold our hands and pray

Yes, I'm thankful for the Lord above
The gift of His unending love
The promise kept that there is so much more
These are the things I'm thankful for

Spirit-led 2023

I thrifted these little doilies recently…how is this the first time I’ve thrifted doilies?! I’m in love:).

Jacob brought home a Milwaukee (the tool, for those unfamiliar;) onesie for Evan:).

Still trying to make headway on all.the.things. Wanting to be a minimalist but having a hard time parting with some of the things:/. I think what I’ve figured out is that if I have things that I feel are worth selling…if I at least put the effort into tryinggggg to sell them - and then they don’t sell - I feel less bad about donating them;). SO…slowly but surely!

Our house is colddddd…not AS cold if it’s not windy or below 20;). We’re still waiting for things to fall together in order to replace the roof, windows + siding…considering this a character building time for all of us;).

It might be time I get a travel mug that I love;).

I finished my 15th book of the year and it was a good one: Chasing Slow, Erin Loechner

Besides being physically ill - all of us - I’ve been struggling mentally and that could be a full blog post of its own. But I’ll share some of what I’ve been clinging to:

My heart was saying, “Lord, take away this longing or give me that for which I long.” The Lord was answering, “I must teach you to long for something better.”

- Elizabeth Elliot

But let all who take refuge in You rejoice; let them sing joyful praises forever. Spread Your protection over them, what all who love Your name may be filled with joy. For You bless the godly, O Lord; You surround them with your shield of love.

- Psalm 5:11-12

There’s no place I could go Your love won’t find me. No place I could hide that You can’t see. No place I could fall Your love wouldn’t catch me. You see it all, You see it all, You’re in everything; You’re all around me. When I withdraw still You pursue. When I’m misunderstood Your love understands me.

“You couldn’t relive your life, skipping the awful parts, without losing what made it worthwhile. You had to accept it as a whole - like the world, or the person you loved.”

- Novelist, Stewart O’Nan

And I won’t leave you hanging with this vague - I’m struggling and sharing a photo crying - without a bit of an explanation. Honestly, it’s hard to sum up. Or maybe it is. It’s not some big event or tragedy - thank God. And honestly, that’s layered…because when I feel bad? depressed?…and I realize that nothing ‘bad’ has actually caused these feelings…I feel a bit worse for struggling when there are people with legitimate struggles. Perspective usually helps but these last few weeks, I think the combination of pretty normal hormones and life and 6 kids and sleep deprivation and a husband working around the clock (we’re so lucky he has a job!) and bills and all the Christmas things (which I do love!) - and I’m trying to finish this thought while Rocky insists I guess what his favorite song is and Theo is listing off which songs they’re singing for Christmas Eve Mass tomorrow and Mae is opening string cheese and throwing the wrappers on the floor and Ike is crying because he wants cereal but I need to do the dishes because nothing is clean to eat off and they’re eating chips on the couch even after I’ve told them twice not to eat chips on the couch…

I want to be enjoying it all and I’m feeling hyper aware these days, of how quickly these days are going and how I get to do this once and I’m failing (not entirely but I could be doing better, that’s just the truth) and I’m angry and then I’m angry that I’m spending any of this precious time angry and being unkind to my kids and my husband…oof. The vicious cycle I’ve created. SO…yeahhhh *awkward/crickets/vulnerability regret* is setting in;).

Someone I follow on Instagram is doing a Spirit-Led 2023. I liked that. I want to be on my knees in 2023 - giving it up but not giving up…handing it over. Trusting. ‘Doing the next right thing’…I may not have the answers but I know who does and He seems to always keep it simple, where as I like to overcomplicate things:).

“You will not be left with less for choosing to rest in His providence instead of panicking, doubting, and orchestrating.”

- Sarah Erickson

And one that makes me cry every time…

I asked God “why do you still love me, why after all the things I’ve done you still want my heart?” He answered me “I made you for me. And as long as you let me, I will save you from yourself.”

…I will save you from yourself.

And a hard pivot to animal hair…;). 

We’re committed to animals but the hairrrrrr…goodness…the.hair😳😩.

More chalk art. Theo's holding the hand of her creation;).

Willy is Rocky’s creation, obviously;).

Today's Listen: We’re All Jess Trying To Get By

Not sure what it was about this episode but it had me in tears multiple times - could have been Doug’s laid back demeanor;) OR just how dang lucky this guy is to be alive!!…likely a mix of that and where I’m at in my life:). Finding perspective in crappy situations and also owning your choices and knowing that you can contribute/put in the work/make the choice to truly change the outcome of your life and health. What is it that they say…it’s not always easy but the answer is usually pretty simple. Anyway…this family just really encourages/inspires me:).

Okay. I’m not sure if that works better…sharing a bunch of choppy/random thoughts - kinda how my mind works, anyway. Or trying to string it all together in a long blog post. Regardless. This is today - the last few days. Today…we’ll see:).

the brink.

It’s 217PM - a Tuesday. Day27?! (give or take) of some sort of illness. All 4 of the children in my care, aged 5 and under, have, miraculously, fallen asleep…at the same time…without an ounce of effort on my part. I’m, honestly, not sure I believe it but yet…I really really can…because isn’t that how it always goes…when you’re on the brink. On the edge of losing your mind. Exhausted from the illness - yours and theirs. That’s usually when you throw your shoulder into a door jam or hit your head getting into the car or trip over the dog or spill something, rip something, lose something, forget something…

A perfectly synched up nap ONLY comes when you’re on the brink!

I’ve decided to take another little - maybe not so little? - social media hiatus. When I’m feeling under the weather or just down in the dumps…Instagram provides relief but also, the worst kind of distraction. I’ve found that with certain things, that I like to do too much…it’s an all-in or all-out type deal for me - much like alcohol - I have a hard time finding middle ground with Instagram and so it’s just easier to quit it entirely…for now:). BUT when the mood strikes, I think I’ll continue sharing here:).

Okay, I just deleted a few paragraphs but to sum it up…I just want to find that balance. The balance I’m talking about here is the one where I speak openly and honestly about my struggles but somehow keep it light enough that I don’t pull you down into the depths with me;). It’s hardddd and I’m tireddddd but it’s gonna be okayyyyy and this will passsss and I can do betterrrrr:).

And now some photos of life lately:).

It’s freezing but you can’t deny how beautiful it is.

Jacob installed a little ventless/gas stove and it’s been keeping us cozy:).

Date Day with Jacob to finish up Christmas Shopping.

Found a new favorite thrifting spot - it has some great stuff (they knew it was worth it, tho) and it had a coffee bar! - snagged this Northface jacket for $30!

I just recently made a New Years Resolution to read the Bible in 2023 or at least some sort of daily devotion/Bible-inspired…inspiration…daily. And then this showed up in the mail, from a friend:).

The current state of our playroom - which reminds me that we still haven’t fully moved all of our things out of my in-laws basement and at least a 1/4 of our belongings are still in storage:/.

Recent Listen:) The Boom Clap Podcast

“…so much of what we’re experiencing right now is just living outside of the way we were created to live.” - Rita

“I think that often it’s easy to focus on the bad things in the world, the bad things that we experience and think: I don’t deserve that. But if we flip our thinking, remembering that really, the good is what we should be focusing on and the good is what we’re undeserving of but we only have the good because we have a loving God. That totally changes our perspective and allows us to reside more in the strengths - that, like Cecily said - does not come from us but the strength that we, ultimately, have because of our lord.” - Rita

“…bitterness is often a result of deep sounding and it carries the sting of unfulfilled hopes. Bitterness is an emotional problem that often rejects reasoning…” - Psalm 73