today's the day.

I met a man today, while waiting in the lab (prior to my 36WK baby appt.).
I'm not really one to believe in 'meant to be'. I'm more of a 'timing' gal. Today I got there early...normally I'd be running late, find a spot off by myself and stick my face in my phone. BUT today it was packed in there and I made the decision to find some friendly faces to wedge myself between and try to make small-talk and keep the phone at bay.

I'll try to keep this short (hahhhaaaaaahhhaaa;).

You wouldn't have been able to tell from looking at him, that the man I chose to befriend, was sick. I would guess he was maybe in his upper 60's and looked like a perfectly healthy and good-looking man!:) He has 5 kids (I may have used 'meant-to-be' when telling Jacob abut this man and why we need 5 kids;) and a wife and they're all very close. Soon he'll be spending 5WKS in the hospital to undergo a Stem Cell Transplant. Each of his 5 children have taken a week of vacation to spend time with him at the Hospital so that he never has to be alone.

We talked about my pregnancy and he was surprised to hear that it was our 4th and said that I looked too young to be having a 4th baby and that pregnancy must agree with me! Obviously, at that point, I asked him to run away with me;).

All of that led us to talk about life and how quickly it passes and that reminded me of how sometimes I think I have a difficult time falling asleep at night because I have a legitimate fear that the next time I open my eyes, 30YRS will have passed. He said it feels an awful lot like that when you're on the other side of it.

He told me that for a lot of years him and his wife looked forward to retirement and all the things they'd do once things slowed down. Once they got the kids through school. Once they paid off their home. They did all those things and worked really hard and when they finally reached retirement...he got sick.

He wasn't necessarily sad in telling me these things. Or telling me not to get my kids through school or blow off the mortgage or that working hard was a waste of time.  His advice was simply to be sure to do the things we wanted. Not to wait. Make time and make it happen.
*cut to me trading in the Astro van for a new ride on the way home to hug my kids and book tickets to Paris in the Spring and then online shopping the rest of the afternoon;) - or maybe I missed his point;)*

After his upcoming procedure, they hope he'll have 4 more years to live. 

After he got called in for his lab, I spent the rest of my wait holding back tears - unsuccessfully...but who's surprised at seeing a very pregnant looking woman crying for no apparent reason!?;). I had my baby appt. and the baby is head down and perfect. It was a sunny and beautiful day and I know this might sound a little dramatic...but I don't think I'll forget about my conversation with this man for quite some time, if ever. 

We took these family photos the same day and not that I needed the reminder, because this crew IS my world...but having talked to someone is his position made it incredibly clear that what I have is really beyond anything I could ever hope for. A happy and healthy family. A LOT of fucking love. Life is not 'perfect'. Not always 'easy'. But the right now...the books I'm trying to read and haven't started, the noses (and asses;) that need to be wiped, the crying at Kindergarten drop-off, the vacations I have planned and not yet booked, the babies we're making, the 3RD trip back upstairs to put a certain 3YR old back in bed, the unprompted hugs and I Love You's, the last minute Date Days, the early morning walks and late night laughs with my one and only, the old/true friends and the strangers who change your day/life...this is really it:).

Well, as you can imagine...I'm a fucking mess and these pregnancy hormones are realllllll;').
I cried...uhhhhhhh LOT...yesterday. 
- dropping Homer off at school
- meeting this man
- there may have been some stress and an awkward conversation with my OB over the state/size of my vagina;)
- the realization that Theo will be 4YRS old in March...this was super upsetting...
- TB only gave us 7 packets of Mild Sauce for our order of SEVEN quesadillas and one burrito!!! WHAT IN THE WORLD!!??!?!??!;)

I called Jacob at least 5 times, in tears. That man is a saint for humoring me:). 

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Life is passing rapidly. Fiercely commit to every moment you find beautiful and remember it. Record it. Fully, whole-heartedly inhabit it. Awareness is one of the greatest things you can possess in this life as it is as important as the very air we breathe and water we drink to stay alive."

- Victoria Erickson

36 Weeks:)

photos by Courtney Smith Photography

thirty-four weeks.

you guys...we're 34.freaking.weeks.pregnant. A baby will come out.of.me in 6ISH-WEEKS. That's happening and I feel like, even though I've done this multiple times, I'm againnnnnn just being let in on those minor/painful details!!!!;)

to be completely honest (eeeekkkkkk), I had a prettyyyyyyyyyy - still going - yyyyyyyyy long-winded post drafted earlier. One in which I did a rather large dump of complaining about various ridiculous and petty things. See: My Face Is Fat. My Ass Is Even Fatter. The Bags Under My Eyes Are Eating My Fat Face. I'm Not Sleeping. I Have Reflux But Still Eat Hardees At 1130PM. Why Have I Gained 40LBS...So Far.

maybe it's the fact that my 'work day' with the kids - I've been babysitting the last few weeks and I gottaaaaaa say....I hate it;) - is over. Or that Jacob took Homer to work after school and they're making/bringing home dinner - I gottaaaaa say...I don't enjoy cooking;). OR maybe it being our 6YR Wedding Anniversary tomorrow has be feeling a bit brighter - even though all we have planned is an hour away from the kids to walk to Kwik Trip for hot chocolate...:).

regardless. I'm turning it around and that feels a hell of a lot better than what I was moaning and groaning about before. I mean...I still have my moments and I have my warranted and very much NOT warranted moments of complaints but I'm gonna lock that up today.

i've been having those 'moments' a tad more often over the last few weeks and I blame hormones, entirely. BUT it's hard to snap out of it. Some things that I've found to reallyyyyyy help: contributing somehow, making it about someone else, paying it forward, giving back!!! Unfortunately, we don't have the means to contribute too much financially and unfortunatelyyyyy, there are enough sad things happening around the globe that we could choose to give our attention to:( BUT over the last few weeks, I've found 3 different ways to 'give-back' and selfishly, it's really helped ME to feel better!!

1 throwing a small 'care package' together for an old friend who was going through a stressful time!:)

2 we donated $15 to a wonderful group of people that were purchasing and shipping much needed supplies for those affected by Hurricane Harvey!

- be sure to do your research on such things. For Example: if you're wanting to make a monetary donation, The Red Cross might not be the place to donate. From what we're hearing/reading, very little of what's donated actually ends up in the hands of those that need it most. Please correct me if I'm wrong!

3 i put together a bag of like-new clothes for a family that lost nearly all their belongings in the Montana Wildfires.

now, normally I'd go on a little online shopping binge while sitting in bed at 1130PM, surrounded by Hardees;). This felt better:)

so even though, some nights, these hormones (and reflux:/) have me crying myself to sleep because of a fat face and ass;) and the fear of the impending birth of this child and my OLD kids and lifeeeeeee and deathhhhhhhhh;)...there's always something that can be done to - as we tell the kids:) - 'turn it around'.

we're SOOOOOOO excited for this baby and MOST nights I definitely go to bed dreaming about what we'll name this little one - ohhhhh, we're close to some solid decisions on that front!!!:) - and what he/she will look like and how the birth will go and when and how it'll start and all those sleepless nights I'll be cuddled up nursing a little baby and on and on. Any of those down moments/days are beyond worth it:).

ALSO. I've started a Baby Pool and I'd be SO pumped if any of you wanted to join! Just comment with your guesses - comment here or on our FB Page! We need:

Date

Time

Sex

Weight

Length

We are collecting $1 per guess, winner takes all...so maybe you'd have to meet up with me to put in your dollar OR Paypal!?!? Let me know!!!:)

details that might help you make an educated guess:

Homer was born 4 days early - 104PM - 7lbs4oz - 20-1/2"

Theo was born right on time - 528AM - 8lbs12oz - 20-1/2"

Rocky was born 3 days late - 1045PM - 7lbs15oz - 21"

jean jacket: vintage/my moms:):)

slip dress: St. Vinnies - Marshfield, WI

boots: Goodwill- Marshfield, WI

i've gained 40LBS in the last 34WKS. Right on track in comparison to my last 3 pregnancies. I do feel like I gained it more...obviously??...this time, if that makes sense.

jacob has suggested and I've veto'd the names: Jasper and Juno. I really like those names but I like the names we have better...but I've said before...we're ALWAYS open to hearing more/new names! We go in with multiple options and keep ourselves open for anything right up until the end:).

If you have a favorite name you never got to use or one you just think we'll love...Please let us know!!!!:):) I'd love to hear them!!!

photos by Courtney Smith Photography

ready or really not...kindergarten:')

this week marked another FIRST for this mama...and Homer...and maybe the school?! Is there someone assigned to walk those moms home that are sending their 1st born to kindergarten and happennnnnn to be crying andddddd 34WKS pregnant?! Who's gonna raise up my other 2 while I have this breakdown!?;)

but for real. Day1 for me...pretty easy cause I was sweating balls trying to un-latch Homer from my leg and dry his tears and convince him that going to school, full-time, for the next 13+YRSSSSSS is the best.idea.ever:/. It's also gonna cost me a Target run (darn;) cause I got out my bag of bribes a little prematurely.

day2. Better for Homer - we had him walk to class with his cousin:). And there was talk of me filling empty Easter Eggs with 'prizes' that we'd video-tape him opening when he gets home?!;) Yeah...he spends noooooo time on YouTube, at.all;).

I watched him walk in holding his cousins hand and then I walked away, very pregnant, very out of breath, pushing a stroller with 2 other babies waiting on me...and I cried. The whole way home, I cried. 

i miss him. And if he were here he'd probably be in a freaking time-out, who am I kidding;). 

the other day I was actually looking through his baby book - I was looking to see if I had written down any baby names that may be some use to us now...there weren't any - and I had written him a little note prior to his brith. I said that I could hardly imagine the time going by and him being born and here and in my arms...let alone 5YRS old and going to Kindergarten. And yet...here we are.

time is..."...too short for those who rejoice...". An excerpt from one of my favorite poems by Henry Van Dyke.

there are much worse things than sending your healthy, amazing, sassy, sensitive, loving little boy to Kindergarten:).

Likeeeee your sassy little 3YR old ripping the spacebar key off your Mac and now you have to hit it hard and twice in between each.and.every.word. Someone (me? the Mac? Theo????)won'tsurvivethis - me giving up on this POS.;).

in conclusion;). 

Guys...I'm gathering that it doesn't get easier. Pregnant or not. First born or last. Kindergarten or College. The 'firsts' are going to keep coming and I can only hope that at some point I can replace this junk computer or I may stop sharing those firsts with you;).

the only parents who walked their kid to class?!?!? Maybe the dumbest parents, apparently, cause he lost it immediately after this photo was taken:(

at pick-up:) Happiest boy!!! 

this made the 'Save Forever Box'...not starting too strong on keeping minimal things;)

day2:)

theo decided now would be a good time to start being a dick. Now as in...the week my eldest starts school and I'm looking forward to a peaceful household. Apparently, she's gonna pick-up the slack on 'making things difficult';).

#BLESSED ;)