Outer Order, Inner Calm.

I think I shared something recently about not being able to have it all - my version of ‘all’ - at least not at the same time? 

I’ve often had conversations with one of my sisters about wanting all the little babies…while I’m ‘young’, with money, out in the garden, homeschooling and traveling, living in a ‘done’ house, sleeping 8hrs a night, doing yoga + running, reading every day, Jacob working part-time, me having a little business, a minimalist lifestyle, making my own bread, canning my own food, styling my hair, planting lavender, growing an orchard, feeding the alpaca/donkeys/chickens/pony/ETC;),…oh, I’m also debt-free, know how to play guitar, and driving a very nice suburban;).

Stupid-long point - if any;) - is that I don’t think any of that is completely out of my grasp. I might, possibly, believe we can have it all…to some degree…if we’re willing to see it from all angles. That I want order + calm but it might not show up when and how I’d like it to:).

Getting my driveway walk in before 10AM:).

Alternate Post Title: Perspective;).

Alternate Post Title: She Still Doesn’t Realize God’s Got This;)

The same cousin who sent me the outer order, inner calm phrase is the one I mentioned feeling like meditation and prayer felt similar to me. Maybe we do have it all - maybe it’s all the same?! - at the same time. Maybe, sometimes, we just don’t see/realize it?

Did I just say that?:|

In different seasons, the things we ‘want’ may just look a little different (replace all We and Ours with ME;). 

Two years ago, moving my body looked like a summer of running and a 5k race! Last year moving my body looked like evening walks with the whole family down the trails Jacob had created around our property. In this season, it’s walking the driveway, back and forth, with 6 kids trailing behind:). In another 30yrs I hope it’s water aerobics at the Florida Campground Jacob and I are spending the winter at between traveling to see our kids in their various locations:).

- speaking of chaos…this mindless-ish chatter is making me dizzy but cheers to you if you’re still following;).

Maybe today I didn’t get down on my knees and pray but I sent one up on the drive in for school pick-up. Maybe I didn’t workout but I chased down the dog for the glove he took off Maes hand. Maybe I didn’t find the joy in the mundane tasks of dishes and laundry and bills - maybe I didn’t do them at all - but I listed some things online and filled a bag for Goodwill. 

Maybe it’s grace I need…I bet I’ve already been receiving it but I’m being too big of a butthead to acknowledge it. Maybe it’s all alright.

Yesterday it was all hard. Overwhelming. Seemingly, impossible to see through all the perceived chaos, to the calm that I envision. I couldn’t bring myself to do the dishes even one more time. I was frustrated that it took so long to get the kids ready to go outside just to take a deep breath! I was mad at the mess, the chicken shit on the front porch, the dust the hair…the undone-ness of this home that I’d only prayed to have 3yrs ago.

This isn’t me announcing that I’m never going to feel sorry for myself again;|. 

*NOT AN ANNOUNCEMENT;)*

Maybe I make it hard for myself - in fact, I know I do:| - and I get stuck wanting my ‘wants’ to look a certain way and to show up at a certain time…but as the seasons have changed and wizzed by and I look back…it seems I’ve always had and gotten what I wanted…and then some.

Today is a good day and I’d like to believe this day, days like this…they are me. The real me. The one I want to be. The one I’m trying to become. 

“On days like this, He just wants you to trust Him. He just wants you to know everything will happen when it is supposed to. And not only in regard to physical things, but all the more valuably, the rich and absolutely necessary spiritual growth your soul so desperately craves. On days like this, Trust Him. Let Him give you wellness for your soul. Find peace while you are growing for even here, He’s in control.”

- Morgan Harper Nichols