remember me? didn't think so;).

post by casey.



well, if there ever was a way to fail at blogging...Courts and I would be winning at that!!;)

did you know that Courts is pregnant?!;) - see announcement HERE. Did you know that I am not?;( 

family photos over Mother's Day - Papa took a permanent marker to my kids face prior...;)

I may share more of these at some point!:)

wine night with the ladies:)

rocky still can't talk worth shit. He IS peeing in the yard...so we're making some potty-training progress!;) He does a pretty realistic dinosaur impression and he really can't do much wrong, in my book...even though he's, basically, doing wrong things constantly!!!;)

claire and rocky in that pool that took me no less than 27 trips to the bath tub with 2 ice cream pails...and they played in there for approximately 13minutes:/

homer is wrapping up his 1st full year of school! Kindergarten is over next week and man...I'm having feelings about that! He's SIX you guys and I've always had a terrible memory but having to dig deep to remember that every time someone asks...it hurts;'(.
Kindergarten has been amazing for him! Mrs. Guyer, his teacher, is just...EVERYTHING. Homer loves her. I love her. I'm almost a tinyyyyyyy bit sad that he's done so well - thanks so much to her - but I wouldn't be mad if he had to be in her classroom one more year;).

jacob has been putting in a lot of hours at work, which has been great for our savings but we already miss him. It will be a long summer without him but we're used to that by now:).
Did I mention that we paid off all our debt?! We're DEBT-FREE!?!?!? We drive a 2001 Dodge Caravan...it has dual (manual;) sliding doors....would you rate your envy at a 10 out of 10 yet?;)
And by Debt-Free, I mean that we haven't had credit cards for years...we haven't accumulated debt for years...we've just been trying to clean up a mess for...YEARS. And now we just have a mortgage and no air conditioning and it's been 110thousand degrees BUT we're so so sweaty happy!!!:)

i've still been watching kids (my sisters - and no, I will not watch your kids;) here and there. Just about enough to pay for the occasional facial but not enough to really want to rip out my ovaries. #balance
I've also clocked another year of...sobriety!? That feels heavy but I believe that is what I have been/am. It's been just over 2 years now. Phew!

theo is still holding down the fort. She's keeping things weird...which we love:). She starts PreK this fall!!! Why do I fear that she'll actually have a harder time being pulled off my leg than Homer???;/ - see how Homer did HERE.

i've been doing the Spring/Summer things! Freshening up the landscaping. Buying all.the.things at the Greenhouses. Filling the pool manually because the hose situation is broke and that's just been awful! Push mowing the lawn every 17hrs;).

ike is growing by the second. He's adorable and fun and great and quite the talker! Smiles nonstop! He's soft. Oh, man...he's so.gosh.darn.SOFT!!!!!!! We love cuddles. He rolls and is pushing himself around on the floor but no where near sitting yet. 
He's still exclusively nursing. He's going through a bit of a sleep regression - is that what the people who keep track of such things call it??!?. Currently, he's up until about 1AM...except for last night/this morning...we prepared mentally for 1AM and so you know...he was up till after 3AM. Good one. Great. Awesome. How though. Whyyyyyy.;).

we're hanging in there;). 

we're just so happy for the warm weather! I'd take 80's over the cold ANY day! Give me sweat over goosebumps!

we're trying not to do too much planning for the next few months. We're just hoping to save, save, save...I mean...people have savings and we want to be those people!!!!;). We'd love to do some traveling and get away a bit but we're just going to be annoying noncommittal and the goal this summer is Spur of the Moment/Last Minute/Why Not/Maybe/We'll See/Sure/No/Let's Do It/Yes/ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE;).

so we're good and we're trying to stare at the kids more and take it all in and really appreciate this time. Gosh, we've really lucked out and we're just so so aware of that.

have a great day, friends.

all of a sudden, I'm fulfilled.

post by casey.

so a lot of days I feel like I should be doing more. I'd like to do more...as far as being more productive with my time, being more present with the kids, wanting less, spending more time outside, really taking advantage of our days while I get to sort of do as I please with our time, etc. BUT I've also struggled a lot with feeling like I should WANT to go back to work. I should WANT a career. I should want something more for my days than staying home with the kids. 

i had a 'break-through' of sorts after talking to my best girl, Gerdie:) and listening to Dax Shepard's Podcast - The Armchair Expert, Seth Green Episode. Love his Podcast!!!

from those two conversations it kinda hit me that I am fulfilled.

Being a wife to Jacob has given me the most self confidence I've ever known. Being a mom and staying home has made me feel more fulfilled than anything I've ever done or hoped to do. 

maybe not wanting 'more' than what you have right now feels like a weird place to be and that's not to say that my feelings on that won't evolve and I won't find myself back to work in a more traditional sense, someday. BUT it seems like a weight lifted to finally not feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I need to keep looking. 

is this what being content means, really!?

con·tent

[kənˈtent]

ADJECTIVE

1. in a state of peaceful happiness.

how I look hardly ever.

how i look mostly always.

now, this is where I'm at. This is most likely not where you're at. And that's good! That's okay! What I hope for you, whether you're a stay-at-home-mom or a work-from-home-mom or a full-time-working-mom or an i-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-doing-mom;) or if you don't have kids at all...this is more of a LIFE feeling...my hope is that you're fulfilled. That what you're doing, whatever that is, brings you joy and contentment. Is there anything worse than wishing you were doing something other than what you are at the moment? 

can I also admit that I woke up after a long night of NOT sleeping with a coughing baby. I was vomited on and cried on and my 4yr old joined me at 1AM. And I, luckily, insisted that Jacob sleep on the couch so that he could get sleep (I know they say not to keep score but you bet your ASS I'll be getting pay back for the last few nights;)...not surprisingly, I woke up in a foul mood. My husband sensed this...or maybe me saying: "hey, thanks for leaving the house a complete fucking disaster for me babe. Have a GREAT day!!!!" made it obvious that I wasn't feeling JOY this morning;). 

every day isn't going to be the picture of joy and rainbows and house-trained puppies;). Even at 35yrs old and finally knowing and accepting that I'm RIGHT where I should be....some days...I can't do the dishes one.more.god.damn.time. I don't WANT to get the kids milk. I don't WANT to change another diaper. Some days I think it might kill me if I have to. I would like to think that with any job, ideal or not...you're going to have some not so great days.

but this morning, I quietly cleaned and made my way to the dishes and washed my face and poured a cup of coffee and the sun shined for a bit and did the things that I need to do...it's not always easy. And there is no big plan today. No exciting adventure. But as I sit here, I'm overwhelmed with happiness - I'm also hearing the kids tear apart the DVDs and slide them across the floor...WHYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!;). 

i hope you're happy today:).

just your typical, fake mom.

post by casey.



guys. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

nothing good starts with: Soooooo, I saw this thing on Pinterest.
I'll let the photos do someeeee of the talking.

PINTEREST

i've been in a funk this last week. It started with having several dreams of an old friend of ours that died - will the D-word always take my breath away?! - many years ago. I guess I feel fortunate that he still visits me. Not sure where you stand on such things and I'm neither saying I believe that he's 'visiting' me or that it's all my subconscious...but it always seems quite random. I think of him often, regardless. But man. Those dreams still knock me on my ass for a few days.
I'm sure I never mentioned but after he was gone, I wrote in journals a lot. I struggled, big time. I've since gotten rid of them all. No regrets there, I needed to let go. BUT I used to sign all of my passages with PBIMDT. Please Be In My Dreams Tonight.
Man. I miss that kid.

okayyyyyy...so this little project...that took twice as long to set-up: me cutting the shape of a Christmas Tree out of a tiny cork:/...well, it took me all of 10sec to realize it wasn't gonna work and all of 7min for the kids to have their hands and mouths and part of my floor, covered in black paint.

this project was the actual physical mess that has been my feelings all week. Therapeutic, really;). I did dishes while they thought they were creating art;).

i also just ate a bowl of Mac&Chs, quickly, while my 2mo old screamed. I never thought Mac&Chs could get less satisfying. Mission accomplished.


so Jacob's been working for over 2wks straight. Every day. For more than 2wks. In.A.Row. Last night he didn't get home until 1130PM. Tonight he hopes to be home by 7PM. I've been watching kids all week and have a hair appt. tonight and a Date Day on the horizon...I'm in desperate need of a shower and my clothes don't fit and...my back actually hurts from shoveling snow and I forgot to start the coffee - 2nd pot of the day...it's1242PM.


i shared this quote on Instagram yesterday and it still feels really good to read.

"Meaning and purpose don't come in the forms of great accomplishments or undertakings. Rather they reveal themselves on some randomly idle weekday morning when you realize how much you love someone or that you're doing all you can with what you can carry in the place you are with the time you have with what you care about." 

- Victoria Erickson

so this week hasn't been the best but it certainly hasn't been the worst. I spent time with my nieces and nephews. My husband has worked hard all day, everyday and then came home and worked hard to give me a break. I have a baby to cuddle. And I saw an old friend, even if only in my dreams.

happy weekend, friends:)

giving up alcohol.

post by casey.

today is pretty significant for a few reasons.

number1, being that Homer is five. And that feels like such a big deal...way bigger and involving more tears (for me;') than any of those previous birthdays. I'll get more into that when I cry over the keyboard in a few days, uploading a birthday post for our boy:(

but something else that today marks, is 1 full year of sobriety for me. Not one drop of alcohol in a full year - which I don't normally feel like is thattttt big of a deal but then when it comes up...people are pretty shocked/impressed/confused;)! 365 days. 1/2 of those being hot summer days. More than a few campfires. A wedding reception - A New Years Eve wedding reception...you guyssss;/. Awful/exhausting days with the kids. Wine Nights with the girls. Mondays...Tuesdays...Saturdays...Sunday Fun Days - ALL THE DAYS;). A concert! A 34th birthday. A beach vacation in Mexico with my husbanddddd....with a FREE Happy Hour!!!!! 
It wasn't easy...and seriously, I STILL chew my fucking finger nails. I can't.stop.chewing.them! But quitting alcohol cold turkey...done;)

without getting too deep into the complexities of my relationship with alcohol...I'll just say that I used to drink a lot, all the time. And then I got better and I didn't drink as often but when I did drink, I drank a lot. It was hard on Jacob, mostly. He dealt with my heavy drinking in our early 20's. And even though I was in a much better place when we got back together for good...I still had a little ways to go:)
And my apologies to my friends for the awful friend I must have been during those early days and also, you're welcome for some prettyyyyyy amazing dirt to hold over my head...foreverrrrrr. In all seriousness...I made some awful decisions and am so glad I didn't hurt anyone or myself back in those days:/.

it seems kinda ridiculous when I read back through this or say 'sober' or 'sobriety'. I wouldn't have classified myself as an Alcoholic - cause if I'm an alcoholic...well, then...most of WI would fall into that category, unfortunately. I think mostly, I used it to cope and I never got to enjoy those few good thing(s) about alcohol. YES, I do believe it's not all bad!:) But I think for me...I kinda ruined my chance to just enjoy 'a few'. 

i'll mostly miss having a drink with Jacob around the fire after we put the kids to bed. Or sharing a Long Island Ice Tea at Buffalo Wild Wings. Or a beer in the back yard at Pigg's after picking up sticks all afternoon. Or margaritas on a hot summer day, with my sisters, while the kids play on the slip n' slide. Or that glass of wine in the tub after a long.ass.day.

and thinking about all those future drinks I'll be passing up. All those future vacations that we'll take that won't include a beer around the campfire, after the kids are tucked into the RV for the night and we're staring at the stars in Yellowstone:) Or sharing a bottle of wine on the grass beneath the Eiffel Tower for our 10YR anniversary getaway - also, just got lost on that site for a good 20MIN and then Expedia to check flight prices to Paris...currently: over $1K...gahhhh;). 

i never miss it socially...at the bar or in large groups. I honestly, don't even miss it on Wine Nights with the girls - they're company is more than enough:). I never miss it outside those quiet times, mostly with Jacob:)

the day I told Jacob - May 8th, 2016 - that I was thinking I might stop drinking...and I wasn't sure what that looked like going forward...but that I thought, for me, I needed to stop...for a substantial amount of time...Jacob looked at me and said: "That makes me so happy, I could cry." - he was serious:( I'm the most thankful that he's always been able to express how he feels about things and that he did in that moment because honestly, had he not said that or reacted that way...I'm not sure I would have wanted to commit as seriously as I have/do. 

*and I should mention that he quit as well. A show of support, I suppose:) I didn't ask him to do that and it wasn't at all necessary, Jacob's never been much of a drinker but I'm happy to be doing this together:) - he did have one drink, unknowingly, when our nephew filled his coffee cup with Kessler...jokester;).

it's gotten easier and going forward...I imagine it coming up in conversation and my response being that I haven't drank in 2YRS...5YRS...and so on. But Jacob and I have agreed that we'd take things as they come and for now, I don't drink...but maybe a trip to Paris would be enough to pull me out of my drinking 'retirement'...at least for an afternoon glass of wine:)

those faces up there, though...I mean...alcohol was such a distraction for me and most people don't leave the house worrying about how much they'll drink or not drinking too much or feeling stressed about doing something stupid...I didn't feel like that was normal. It's helped to clear my head:)

so I stopped drinking alcohol, cold turkey, a year ago. I haven't had a drop since. I'm really glad I did that:)


now if you made it through all that...you deserve a drink;)