just your typical, fake mom.

post by casey.



guys. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

nothing good starts with: Soooooo, I saw this thing on Pinterest.
I'll let the photos do someeeee of the talking.

PINTEREST

i've been in a funk this last week. It started with having several dreams of an old friend of ours that died - will the D-word always take my breath away?! - many years ago. I guess I feel fortunate that he still visits me. Not sure where you stand on such things and I'm neither saying I believe that he's 'visiting' me or that it's all my subconscious...but it always seems quite random. I think of him often, regardless. But man. Those dreams still knock me on my ass for a few days.
I'm sure I never mentioned but after he was gone, I wrote in journals a lot. I struggled, big time. I've since gotten rid of them all. No regrets there, I needed to let go. BUT I used to sign all of my passages with PBIMDT. Please Be In My Dreams Tonight.
Man. I miss that kid.

okayyyyyy...so this little project...that took twice as long to set-up: me cutting the shape of a Christmas Tree out of a tiny cork:/...well, it took me all of 10sec to realize it wasn't gonna work and all of 7min for the kids to have their hands and mouths and part of my floor, covered in black paint.

this project was the actual physical mess that has been my feelings all week. Therapeutic, really;). I did dishes while they thought they were creating art;).

i also just ate a bowl of Mac&Chs, quickly, while my 2mo old screamed. I never thought Mac&Chs could get less satisfying. Mission accomplished.


so Jacob's been working for over 2wks straight. Every day. For more than 2wks. In.A.Row. Last night he didn't get home until 1130PM. Tonight he hopes to be home by 7PM. I've been watching kids all week and have a hair appt. tonight and a Date Day on the horizon...I'm in desperate need of a shower and my clothes don't fit and...my back actually hurts from shoveling snow and I forgot to start the coffee - 2nd pot of the day...it's1242PM.


i shared this quote on Instagram yesterday and it still feels really good to read.

"Meaning and purpose don't come in the forms of great accomplishments or undertakings. Rather they reveal themselves on some randomly idle weekday morning when you realize how much you love someone or that you're doing all you can with what you can carry in the place you are with the time you have with what you care about." 

- Victoria Erickson

so this week hasn't been the best but it certainly hasn't been the worst. I spent time with my nieces and nephews. My husband has worked hard all day, everyday and then came home and worked hard to give me a break. I have a baby to cuddle. And I saw an old friend, even if only in my dreams.

happy weekend, friends:)

be the change...

"be the change that you wish to see in the world." 

- Ghandi

we lost a friend, 15 years ago, today. I think I've felt other people's losses a bit deeper since then. Because you know what that phone call is like. And the days following and just the grief and the questions. And then as you get older and the years pass...it becomes easier to live with the loss but...you've also lived. And so that brings on questions in regards to where they would be in their life. And if they weren't gone, where would we be in our life. 

it's not only this specific day because we think of him much more than that. In the days leading up to this day, every year, it's like my mind senses it...even if I've forgotten it's approaching, I'll find myself crying myself to sleep and then looking at the calendar and realize we're 2 days from...the day.

Seems silly to feel this way when his parents and siblings are out there, feeling this day in a way that I hope to never understand:(

i absolutely think these years and especially, my 30's, have brought on a new sense of life. I care more. I want more - not a new couch;) but this life for my family and children. I want to know better, in order to be better and do better. 

my point in sharing this, is that we miss our friend. And we wish he were here. But some days 'here' seems like such a sad place to be. Another cancer diagnosis. Another senseless murder. More loss. 

I hate feeling scared. But I am.

so to the 10 people reading this...wouldn't it be great if even just the 10 of us did a little better today???

what do you say, 10 people/friends/strangers? Can we do some good today?

33.

"Note to self: None of us are getting out of here alive, so please stop treating yourself like an after thought. Eat the delicious food. Walk in the sunshine. Jump in the ocean. Say the truth that you're carrying in your heart like hidden treasure. Be silly. Be kind. Be weird. There's no time for anything else." 

- Nanea Hoffman, Sweatpants & Coffee

I'm surrounded by this 'drink the kool-aid tribe'...this family I didn't choose but was somehow, generously, gifted! 

Sometimes growing older can be a little scary and the kids only seem to amplify that fear because I'm so focused on watching them grow that every now and then I get the chance to look in the mirror and realize a whole year passed without any thought of myself. That's not a terrible thing...but I'm working on me and giving something for myself in these years.

today I'm 33. I just had a baby 4MO ago and so I haven't gotten back to my old self physically and although, sporadic crying is sort of part of my normal now-a-days;), I'm still not quite back mentally either - and I'm not sure I ever expect to be post-kids;). And the hair loss...good gawd...

i think what I'm getting at is that regardless of this not being an ideal time for me to feel like celebrating ME cause I may not feel quite fully...me...I'm incredibly happy:) 

ohhh, I'd be so happy if I were back in my pre-pregnancy jeans or paying off our home or headed to the airport for a family getaway...but I'm going to go to bed tonight, 33...and I'm going to fall asleep down the hall from 2 of my favorite humans in the world and with a beautiful baby in the nook of my arm and my husband cuddled in behind me. I want to sneak downstairs tomorrow morning for 1/2 a cup of coffee and 10 minutes of uninterrupted - hushed:) - conversation with my husband while our babies sleep-in and smile across the table at the man I get to spend all my birthdays with:)

simply put, I'm happy. Happy here, with them:)

cheers, to all the birthdays we're lucky enough to receive:)

"Do not grow old, no matter how long you live. Never cease to stand like curious children before the great mystery into which we were born." 

- Albert Einstein

- casey