all of a sudden, I'm fulfilled.

post by casey.

so a lot of days I feel like I should be doing more. I'd like to do more...as far as being more productive with my time, being more present with the kids, wanting less, spending more time outside, really taking advantage of our days while I get to sort of do as I please with our time, etc. BUT I've also struggled a lot with feeling like I should WANT to go back to work. I should WANT a career. I should want something more for my days than staying home with the kids. 

i had a 'break-through' of sorts after talking to my best girl, Gerdie:) and listening to Dax Shepard's Podcast - The Armchair Expert, Seth Green Episode. Love his Podcast!!!

from those two conversations it kinda hit me that I am fulfilled.

Being a wife to Jacob has given me the most self confidence I've ever known. Being a mom and staying home has made me feel more fulfilled than anything I've ever done or hoped to do. 

maybe not wanting 'more' than what you have right now feels like a weird place to be and that's not to say that my feelings on that won't evolve and I won't find myself back to work in a more traditional sense, someday. BUT it seems like a weight lifted to finally not feel like I'm not doing enough. Like I need to keep looking. 

is this what being content means, really!?

con·tent

[kənˈtent]

ADJECTIVE

1. in a state of peaceful happiness.

how I look hardly ever.

how i look mostly always.

now, this is where I'm at. This is most likely not where you're at. And that's good! That's okay! What I hope for you, whether you're a stay-at-home-mom or a work-from-home-mom or a full-time-working-mom or an i-don't-know-what-the-fuck-I'm-doing-mom;) or if you don't have kids at all...this is more of a LIFE feeling...my hope is that you're fulfilled. That what you're doing, whatever that is, brings you joy and contentment. Is there anything worse than wishing you were doing something other than what you are at the moment? 

can I also admit that I woke up after a long night of NOT sleeping with a coughing baby. I was vomited on and cried on and my 4yr old joined me at 1AM. And I, luckily, insisted that Jacob sleep on the couch so that he could get sleep (I know they say not to keep score but you bet your ASS I'll be getting pay back for the last few nights;)...not surprisingly, I woke up in a foul mood. My husband sensed this...or maybe me saying: "hey, thanks for leaving the house a complete fucking disaster for me babe. Have a GREAT day!!!!" made it obvious that I wasn't feeling JOY this morning;). 

every day isn't going to be the picture of joy and rainbows and house-trained puppies;). Even at 35yrs old and finally knowing and accepting that I'm RIGHT where I should be....some days...I can't do the dishes one.more.god.damn.time. I don't WANT to get the kids milk. I don't WANT to change another diaper. Some days I think it might kill me if I have to. I would like to think that with any job, ideal or not...you're going to have some not so great days.

but this morning, I quietly cleaned and made my way to the dishes and washed my face and poured a cup of coffee and the sun shined for a bit and did the things that I need to do...it's not always easy. And there is no big plan today. No exciting adventure. But as I sit here, I'm overwhelmed with happiness - I'm also hearing the kids tear apart the DVDs and slide them across the floor...WHYYYY!?!?!?!?!?!;). 

i hope you're happy today:).

just your typical, fake mom.

post by casey.



guys. Whyyyyyyyyyy.

nothing good starts with: Soooooo, I saw this thing on Pinterest.
I'll let the photos do someeeee of the talking.

PINTEREST

i've been in a funk this last week. It started with having several dreams of an old friend of ours that died - will the D-word always take my breath away?! - many years ago. I guess I feel fortunate that he still visits me. Not sure where you stand on such things and I'm neither saying I believe that he's 'visiting' me or that it's all my subconscious...but it always seems quite random. I think of him often, regardless. But man. Those dreams still knock me on my ass for a few days.
I'm sure I never mentioned but after he was gone, I wrote in journals a lot. I struggled, big time. I've since gotten rid of them all. No regrets there, I needed to let go. BUT I used to sign all of my passages with PBIMDT. Please Be In My Dreams Tonight.
Man. I miss that kid.

okayyyyyy...so this little project...that took twice as long to set-up: me cutting the shape of a Christmas Tree out of a tiny cork:/...well, it took me all of 10sec to realize it wasn't gonna work and all of 7min for the kids to have their hands and mouths and part of my floor, covered in black paint.

this project was the actual physical mess that has been my feelings all week. Therapeutic, really;). I did dishes while they thought they were creating art;).

i also just ate a bowl of Mac&Chs, quickly, while my 2mo old screamed. I never thought Mac&Chs could get less satisfying. Mission accomplished.


so Jacob's been working for over 2wks straight. Every day. For more than 2wks. In.A.Row. Last night he didn't get home until 1130PM. Tonight he hopes to be home by 7PM. I've been watching kids all week and have a hair appt. tonight and a Date Day on the horizon...I'm in desperate need of a shower and my clothes don't fit and...my back actually hurts from shoveling snow and I forgot to start the coffee - 2nd pot of the day...it's1242PM.


i shared this quote on Instagram yesterday and it still feels really good to read.

"Meaning and purpose don't come in the forms of great accomplishments or undertakings. Rather they reveal themselves on some randomly idle weekday morning when you realize how much you love someone or that you're doing all you can with what you can carry in the place you are with the time you have with what you care about." 

- Victoria Erickson

so this week hasn't been the best but it certainly hasn't been the worst. I spent time with my nieces and nephews. My husband has worked hard all day, everyday and then came home and worked hard to give me a break. I have a baby to cuddle. And I saw an old friend, even if only in my dreams.

happy weekend, friends:)